Wednesday, June 01, 2005

The Pain of Growth and Being Reshaped

A while back I started praying, ""Lord, be relentless with me! Please don't give up on me until I'm thoroughly purged from all things that defile or that grieve your Holy Spirit. And don't give in for my crying." Well, God heard me. And the sh** hit the fan. I've had some major trials in the last few weeks. Things from my past have surfaced I thought were long hidden away and would never come up. Things that have hindered my walk for years are becoming a reality, and for the first time in 47 years, I have been forced to make some incredibly painful decisions. I can't run any more. I can't hide, and I have nothing within my control to be able to buy my way out. I'm empty and wholly relying on God's grace.
My walk has been tested to the outer limits. The pain at times has been so bad, I thought I could not live another second. Yet, God, and His grace, have seen me through. Fire is hot. It burns and is painful as it purifies the soul.
Facing my sinful state is just the beginning of this walk. Next I am going to have to allow God to begin the process of healing wounds, setting broken and dislocated joints, and bringing me to completeness. I am scared. I am in agony. I want to run, but there is nowhere to go, and no one to go to. I feel so completely alone, but there is an assurance that I am not alone. There is a hope of completion, a glimpse of a whole person before me.
My feelings, although real and at times excruciating, are secondary to the knowledge that I am in the hands of the Father, being molded and shaped, only to face the kiln again. I am determined to complete the process and come through on the other side, a work of the Master Potter's hand, a vessel worthy of honor and desire.
I have made a decision to stay... to NOT quit... to bear through the trials. I can only pray for God's assurance and peace.

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