Saturday, February 19, 2005

San Diego

I've been in San Diego for the last 3 days. It gave me time to think some more. Typically, whenever I go out of town, I wind up keeping mostly to myself. There's some comfort in the little "Wall" that protects me.....but sometimes it get pretty lonely. I was nice, however, to have a few people to talk to during the day....even if it was business. And we had a nice social dinner with about 8 of the office staff and one of the wholesalers on Thursday night. At least I had some company, and the conversation was lively.
Rarely do I ever connect with anyone else, but last night's flight was different. I dropped my "wall" and had a nice conversation with my "aisle-mate". It's interesting how it's easy to drop my guard sometimes with a complete stranger. For some reason I felt perfectly comfortable doing that. So out of character for me.
I grew up totally different. Because we moved almost every year, my relationships were always surface. Each time we moved I would have to make new friends, but I knew they would not be around after a year or so. It was that way until I was in the fifth grade, but still, my ability to be on any intimate level with someone was stifled by the fear of losing them someday. So, I disconnected for the most part. I was one way at school, and another way at home. I never exposed my sensitive side for fear of being thought of as weak. Breaking away from high school was a relief.
It was in my first year of college I discovered I could paint. I became quite productive back then. I don't quite know how many paintings I completed, but Dad and Mom framed quite a few of them and Dad saved all the others. For some reason, maybe I got too busy with life, I quit painting around 1979. He gave me his stack of paintings, most of which were elementary and incomplete, a few months before he died. I promised him I would start painting again, because he always encouraged me to do so and he loved my artwork. Since May of last year, I have completed 9 works, 2 of which were in that stack Dad gave me. It has been healing and therapeutic to do so and has kept me from looking for other things, like pot and alcohol, to deal with my grief and depression.
Anyway, I talked to this complete stranger, Minda, all the way to Austin. I intended to do the crossword puzzle in the America West magazine, but never even touched it. It was nice... no pressure, no expectations... and she wasn't shy to ask some pretty personal questions, which was OK because I knew she was asking not to be nosy, but for something that she had been asking herself. I love to have conversation like that...personal, open, honest. Small talk does nothing for me. It was nice to drop my wall and just have a nice conversation last night.
I'm glad to be home. We're going down to SA to see Mom when the girls get back from the gym. I'll write something a little deeper later. I've been reflecting on some things that I need to get written down.

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