Saturday, February 05, 2005


Another week has come and gone and I "feel" like nothing has happened. Damn feelings... while they are real, they mean nothing, except they are feelings. In reality, I can look back and see some of the steps I took to make something out of my life this past week. I finally started to catch on to some of the missing pieces in my Algebra assignments, and I learned how to (basically) use my new graphing calculator.

I am still so frustrated and I don't exactly know why. Seems like everything is bugging me. Everything. I got to thinking today. Maybe I'm just missing Dad. He was always around to talk to. And now he's not. So I find myself a bit directionless, somewhat out there on my own, and missing him very much. I guess it's part of the greiving process. It's been a while since I had a really bad day. Today's been that day.

I don't normally like travelling alone. Last trip I took to DC, I was there for 2 days before I talked to a soul. I had no conversation with anyone until Monday when I met with someone other than the one I flew up there to meet with. Seemed like somewhat of a wasted trip. It's incredible how in a city with millions of people, I didn't engage a single one of them in any meaningful conversation.
Just stuck to myself.

So I am going to San Diego in a couple of weeks and I am looking forward to it. Maybe I need some peace and quiet again. No one to interrupt my dinner to sit on my lap, no one to interrupt the show I'm watching, I don't have to block out conversation to listen to TV, and I can eat what I want, stay up as late as I want, and get ready in the morning on my own time. Sheesh... I sound like a grouch. Lately everything's been getting on my nerves.....I really think I'm just missing my dad.

I am even letting poor Izzy get on my nerves. She doesn't know any better, and she just wants to be near me. I usually love her all over me, but today, she's on my nerves. I remember the breif few months Linda and I had by ourselves. Audrey had left the house, the boys were doing their thing, and it was just her and I . Empty nesters... it didn't last long. But I long for those days again. I know it will be hard on both Izzy and me when Audrea decides to get a place of her own, but eventually it will happen. I am not looking forward to the separation, but I know it will be ok when it happens. And it will be just me and Linda again....that will be nice.

I miss having an office space I could get away to on my own. All the bedrooms here are ...well.. bedrooms. I need to fix the little room in the garage with an A/C vent for the summer and convert it to an office. Then I'll have a little domain of my own again. I hope.

I need a place to be creative, a place to be alone, a place I can think without interruption. My room is not sacred anymore. I can't even lock the door because people will open it anyway. Damn.

This is not a good mood.

Later..... I thought I lost this post. I was thinking maybe I wasn't supposed to post it. was a good rant. Feeling better though. Watched a stupid movie with the girls (Cellular) wouldn't recommend it. It might make a good movie for Mystery Science Theater though.

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