Wednesday, November 02, 2005

More on Recovery

It literally took me a couple of days to recover from the weekend. It was emotionally, spiritually, and mentally exhausting. I don’t even know how I was able to function Monday, much less, work. I had an appointment scheduled Monday, so I went in, intending to do only that, and wound up staying until after we closed. I wish I had just rescheduled because I had to push all the feelings aside to be “on my game” for my clients. Whew.

Yesterday was just as hectic, and on top of it all I had a pastor’s meeting at lunch, then met with a missionary couple and another lady at dinnertime, so I had to rush home and cook dinner real fast. It was a whirlwind day.

You know that feeling you get deep in the pit of your stomach when you’re really stressed over something? You know… the kind that makes you a little queasy and makes it hard to eat??? …That feeling that all is lost, and it’s hard to move??? That was the last couple of days, but God got me through it.

I wish I could relay all the stories the ladies told this last weekend. Some of them really broke my heart. One common theme though, was the fact that every one of the ladies there at one time or another was disappointed, humiliated, or abused by their father. That really made an impact on me. The lack of a good relationship, and the disappointment or abandonment by a father was influential in the process that led to every one of these women to have a crisis pregnancy that ended in abortion.

I think about my own decision, and I wonder what made me think I couldn’t go to my parents and let them know I needed help and advice. I think they might have been disappointed, but they would have been there for me, and helped me. They certainly would have encouraged me to be responsible and raise my child, rather than kill their grandson before he even had a chance to breathe.

I began to deal with this back in 1997, when I did a bible study called “Healing a Father’s Heart.” It was a difficult 3 or 4 months of healing, and I put to rest a lot of feelings and shame. It took me several years to forgive myself, although I finally did. As I mentioned in a previous post, I was finally able to let go of the rest this past weekend, and memorialize my son. In all, 10 babies were memorialized, 9 that had been aborted, and 1 miscarriage. As I put my son’s memory to rest, I felt years of guilt and shame be put to rest also…

More later.

No comments: